take me out the box..thankyou

I am still bewildered by this need of some to put people in a box and label them when there is such diversity and lets face it who is to say what one person is and isnt, there is no strict definition of what a slave is or how they should behave, im a slave to my Owner but in anothers eyes it may not be their definition of slave.

Im a listener i like to hear and read what people have to say because opinions differ and its interesting to hear anothers perspective and it can make you look at things in a different light, or you can read something someone has written and you think wow why didnt i realise this before thats so spot on. You might disagree but respect that persons views just because they dont match your own does not make you or them wrong or right.

Im outspoken, always have been and probably always be, i am learning to curb it because the tendency to speak out before i think things through is what at times gets me that 'look' or worse silence..why is silence always worse? Master allows me an opinion, note i said allows it is not a given right and one that he can take away if he should choose to do so, i may disagree with him it doesnt change anything if he decides this is how something will be then it will be that way.

I know my faults and we are working on them, i know what goals im aiming towards and we are getting there slowly, i need to be pushed, i need the security of knowing that he wont let me get away with trangressions because i want to be the best slave i can be for him. Its damn hard, sometimes i fight him not literally but i fight against submitting there is still that part of me that flickers and occassionaly fires up....but im getting there.

Being a slave isnt an overnight process its going to take time, its the mindset that makes the big difference and there is balance, handing over total control of your every being isnt something to be taken lightly and its more than the physical aspect.

I would like people to be more accepting and understanding of other peoples dynamic, sure we all judge to some degree but those in this lifestyle are all in some form in the same boat, the actual mechanics of each relationship may differ from anothers but dont say their doing it wrong because who are you to say they are?

doormat or not.....i want to be a good girl

You know when you read profiles or whatever and there is that certain phrase which appears fairly often "I may be a sub/slave but im no doormat"? well i have always agreed with that because heck i am not a doormat but then....really thinking about it maybe i am a goddam doormat..he does walk all over me (not literally of course..i think thats more a female Dominant trait..isnt it?..besides he wouldnt look good in heels) and he walks all over me because he can.

I think...and i do over analyse everything (is that a female trait i wander?) how the fuck has this happened?, how has this man got so under my skin that just him telling me that im a "good girl" makes me feel so damn good, content and happy!!!On the flip side of the coin when he expresses his disappointment over a way i may have behaved im reduced to being much like a snivelling child who has been scolded and my stomach is in knots because im so upset.

Now i have always felt that part of the reasoning of this is because im submissive but perhaps its not, a friend of mine who has recently split from her partner is far from being submissive yet she worshipped her ex man, in many ways she placed him on the proverbial pedestal..now bearing in mind she is now a man hater (that wont last) she keeps saying to me.."why the fuck did i do that...he is just a bloody man"?

I havent been like this in other relationships, admittedley i have only had one other D/s relationship (the rest being vanilla) but it wasnt like this at all, yes i love him so obviously that plays a large factor but its not just that....truth is i just dont know what it is that makes me behave and feel in ways i didnt think i could or would want to.

property/object

I received mail from a female submissive a few weeks ago which quered why anyone would want to be "referred to as property as slaves generally are" (her words not mine) and she expressed her shock that someone would want to be nothing more than "an object to be used at someone else's will". I did reply briefly that it wasnt as simple as that but it did lead me into thinking about why others like myself actively choose this route.

I dont like using labels but for simplicity they make sense, i refer to myself as his slave, on occassion as his property but im also his slut, his bitch, his good girl...i am simply whatever he wants me to be. I don't agree that slaves are generally seen as property i believe its very dependent on the relationship and what these terms mean to the people involved, what Master and myself believe a slave should be will differ from perhaps what others believe but it does not make anyone else's or our own relationship any less valid or any more better.

So i personally believe that as his slave i am also his owned property and therefore i am his to do as he wants, lets be reasonable here he isn't going to chop off any of my body parts the key word here is SANE. It does not mean that i have no say whatsoever, he will and does listen to me but ultimatley he has the final say and i have chosen to accept that, its not easy by any means if anything sometimes i struggle against it and there is that little part of me that wants to still even now rebel.

Am i treated as an object to be used at his will? yes sometimes i am made to feel like i am nothing more than a piece of meat for him to use at will, i think back to a few days ago when i was kneeling at his feet, face down in his piss whilst he was beating my back....at that moment in time i didnt want it, i didnt feel like it and when he had had enough he just walked away and left me there until i was given permission to move.

I have chosen to be treated this way and i would not change a thing because i love it, i love being objectified, no matter that at that time i didnt want or feel like it that was out of my control it was all about him and what he wanted and afterwards when i was allowed to move and shower i was satisfied and content in knowing that i had pleased him and therefore i was happy. But on an end note i may be seen as property and i am treated at times like an object but property and/or object that is cared for and loved.

yep you guessed it.....part 3

Well its been so long since i posted i have a lot to say......

Now where was i....ahh yes Saturday..

well Master was out all day on his course so i went into town to do some shopping, bit annoyed as i didnt get to suck his cock in the morning but thats ok we was both hungry...and to make the morning worse the breakfast was shit.....not that i have tasted shit (been shit on though if that counts) although the closest i have come is licking his dick after it has been up my ass..so yes it did indeed taste like shit!!!

Anyway im well proud of myself at getting into town without getting lost because i do get lost very easily...but i did it...yay me.

Went into Ann Summers to have a nose at their underwear, seen lots i like but settled on a pair of stockings which on the packet was meant to have a red top, which i like but putting them on later that day they was pink...yes it was a big deal as they didnt then match the rest of my underwear...i like matching. OOh nearly forgot i bought a new wand massager as i had left the other one back at home and this one was pink!

Found a sex shop and didnt buy anything (i know im in shock myself) but i really wanted a penis gag which i will probably end up getting online as i think im only likely to pick one up in a bdsm shop and as far as im aware there are none in Birmingham.

Went back to the hotel, now i took the massager out the box put batteries in and of course i wanted to test it out but heck after the previous evenings punishment im not that bloody stupid..so i figured i would wait until he phoned and ask him confident that he would say yes....after all i had a fresh slate now and surely he wouldnt be unreasonable? yes he damn well was..unreasonable that is he wouldnt let me and it was torture lying on the bed naked (i had just got out the shower) and i wanted to try out my new toy..was i tempted? of course i damn well was but i also like having skin on my ass.

So i got dressed into the new underwear, read some of my new book i had bought and waited for him to get back....im not very good at being patient but i had to be, he got back about 4.30 ish and he wanted a cup of tea......tea ffs im goddam horny and he wants a cup of tea!!!! so i whined (i know shameful) but i didnt whine for long because he started taking things out the box (the box contains nice stuff and not nice stuff) yep i made the tea.

He asked me what i wanted to do, i hate it when he asks me what i want sometimes so i get defensive..so he chose and it was the Tower of Pain.. which is horrible..its clover clamps attached to a device that as you turn a knob it pulls them tighter.

He had me sat astride him as he attached it, as with most nipple clamps they hurt when first being attached and im not a big fan of nipple torture i would say its my least favourite type of pain. As he started turning the knob i could feel his knob getting harder....it hurt a lot..my poor nipples were being pulled and he was getting more and more excited...ok i admit that i was extremely turned on..but then thats where i am a classic masochist..the more pain im in the more wet i am.

I was rewarded eventually with his cock, still sat astride him being fucked with the clamps still attached which was very nice indeed.....until i had to take them off...and if you have had nipple clamps on then you will appreciate how much it fucking hurts when they are taken off....naturally he was loving it...bastard.

But thats ok afterwards i got to lick his ass.....i absolutley love licking his ass i could do it for as long as he lets me, which is usually quite a while...i love serving him in this way and if i must say so myself i think im quite good at it!!!

I had my tits caned and i asked if i could use the new massager whilst he was doing it.....he gave me the option of yes i could but then the strokes would be harder or i could have the strokes on my ass...bear in mind my ass is still sore from the previous evening. However i much prefer the cane on my ass than on my tits so i opted for that and he was pleased as i took another long caning, and im glad i did....it was difficult keeping the massager still as i was being caned but it was worth it as the orgasm i had was just well bloody fantastic....and after i had cum he still continued to cane me...yummy floaty heaven.

So i took another long caning and started to float again which was really nice as i wasnt expecting to be able to as the strokes did start to get harder but then i do love the cane when im in the right mindset.....and to finish it off i got a nice ass fucking...im a lucky girl.

part 2 of the weekend

I suppose if you have a part one you have to have a part 2 so......

Now the horrible bit was out of the way, Master asked what equipment i would like to try out, now this was quite difficult because i want to try it all...i was like the proverbial kid in a sweet shop, but i opted for the rack bench having not tried one of these before.

I should have took a photo as it was so much more than a rack bench, it was amazing, Master secured me down on my back and i started being stretched, the pull on my muscles was not so much really painful but uncomfortable. I was more concerned about how completley vunerable i was, i couldnt move any part of my body which was exciting as well as scary, but i do love being completley at his mercy.

Now i should say that when we was being shown around by the couple at one point Master went to get his kit from the car and the women told me there was ice in the freezer which we was welcome to use, which i had no intention of telling Master as i dont like ice play (sorry Master).

But as i was lying there Master mentioned that he wandered if there was ice in the freezer which i replied no there wasnt as the lady had mentioned it (now this isnt so much a lie but rather an ommittance of the truth...dont you think?...well in my mind it is) but he wasnt having any of it and the bastard went and checked and of course there was ice...much to his amusement and my dismay.

I dont like ice its cold..yes i know its meant to be fucking cold it is ice....and he rubbed it over my nipples and down towards my pussy...i squirmed as much as it was possible to squirm! and begged and called him horrible things and just when i thought it couldnt get any worse it did.

He used a magic wand on my pussy and normally i love this...if you havent tried one and your a women get one..seriously they are absolutley fantastic...i should know its what got me punished in the first place!!! Anyway they are not so nice when used on a numb pussy....i was beside myself begging him to stop and spluttering not very nice things at him and he was just loving it.

Then he used this feathery duster thing to tickle my feet...not funny at all..give me pain over being tickled every time.....i asked him if he would undo my legs an arms so i could use the wand myself which he agreed to....the bench was also adapted to be used for stirrups..i loved this bench. He used the feathery duster thing on my pussy fairly softly which was quite nice but then started to use it harder which although wasnt extremely painful was uncomfortable but at this point i just wanted to cum and i did with the help of the wand and promptly squirted over the bench.

Had a chill out time then pondering what to use next, Master decided i should have a caning on the caning bench which was designed for the application of judicial style canings, which no i havent experienced yet its on the to do list although the caning yesterday was actually rather judicial. I was nervous at first after having the earlier caning as punishment although i knew he wouldnt be as hard as those punishment strokes was i was apprehensive that perhaps i wouldnt enjoy the cane so much as i always have. But thankfully that was not the case and it didnt take too many strokes before i was floating in my own little world...the cane seems to be the only implement that i can get into subspace with but it doesnt happen every time but when it does i just cant explain it really...im just gone..i certainly couldnt count. I couldnt say how many strokes i took i know it was a lot, occassionaly i would make a sound but mostly im completley quiet and the only sound is the cane...i love the sound the cane makes on impact.

Master did fuck my ass whilst we was there whilst i was on the bench, i love anal much prefer it than normal sex, i like it when its uncomfortable and little lube is used and can orgasm from anal sex quite easily now. Sometimes he makes me clean him afterwards and i need to remember to ask to clean him afterwards as i know he prefers it when i do, its not something im particularly fond of but im learning to put his wants before my dislikes because i do have a tendencey to try to back out of things i dislike.

a weekend of umm being put back in my place! part one

We went to Birmingham this weekend as Master had business there on the Saturday, im not a fan of big cities but im well impressed with myself as i didnt get lost. I was getting a little nervous about the weekend (ok maybe more than a bit) as i had 2 punishments due which he decided would wait until this weekend and we had booked a dungeon for a few hours on the Friday evening so i knew that noise wouldnt be an issue, good for him but not for me! I think we should re think physical punishments, mental is so more effective.

I can honestly say its the first time i have been genuinely upset at disobeying him because he made me it very clear how pissed off he was but also because i had been doing ok, ok in the respect that i havent been punished for quite a while.
Anyway i digress..i do do that funnily enough

We got to the hotel, the room was nice....the bathroom was great a big enough shower area to be pissed on, he told me to strip as he wanted to piss on me...i said that i thought we was going to wait until we got to the dungeon...that didnt go down well...so i stripped and knelt in the shower. I drank some, i cant say i like it...lets face it it's piss it doesnt taste very nice, but then he made me lick it up from the floor whilst he beat me on my back i think with his belt, that was a first and it was humiliating, i like the humiliation but not the actual having to lick it up. I sucked his cock but he wouldnt let me continue for long before he pulled away..that i didnt like but i figured it best to keep my mouth shut.

We went to the dungeon, the couple who owned it were really nice and welcoming and showed us all the gear....it was all very nice and very ummm intimidating as well, i wanted to get my punishments out the way first, i was on edge about them and figured i could relax once the worst was out the way, i knew it wouldnt be nice but i wasnt expecting it to be as bad as it actually was.
He had decided that for my punishments i would get very hard cane strokes and lashes of the whip on my back, now i love the cane but i like to be warmed up beforehand then generally i can take quite a long caning as for the whip i just dont handle it too well and i absolutley hate it on the back.

Anyway he secured me to a spanking bench for the cane and i started to protest, i think i remember asking for a warm up but he wouldnt allow it and i pushed my luck and he said it would now be more strokes which i naively at this point thought he wouldnt follow through with. i also had to count and thank him after each stroke which i dont like...what is it with dominants can they not count!!

The first one fucking hurt and i think i just about muttered out 1 and thankyou before the second one hit etc etc and it didnt get any better, definitley not a caning i liked on any level, i did get more strokes which completly burst my bubble of my getting any mercy..he was just so cold and detached and i hate that. I couldnt look at him afterwards i didnt want him to know that he had gotten tears from me which in hindsight i feel guilty about i shouldnt have denied him that.

The whipping was done on a st Andrews cross immediatley after, looking back i think i was in a bit of shock from the caning emotionally as well as physically, i couldnt speak i remember being fucking shit scared and when the first stroke of the whip landed the pain was indescribable and i started to panic, i cant even remember if i counted it or not, i most likely did as he probably would have made sure i did but i just cant recall it.

Will i masturbate again without permission? no. Will i disobey him or be disrespectful again? i dont want to and will certainly try harder but i also know i have quite a fair way to go, there are still areas i know i need to work on. But i dont want to be punished like that again so it was effective wheras before any physical punishments i have had just havent worked, possibly because they wasnt severe enough and pain does arouse or i had managed to sway him, this time he wasnt having any of it...it was cold and brutal.

nice pain/bad pain

Yesterday Master suggested that we could possibly do some outdoor bdsm, in particular caning, i love the cane and i must say i find this rather exciting..just got to hope the weather conditions are suitable as well as the location..after all dont want to offend anyone. This is something we havent done (he has before, but i havent) so fingers crossed we will be able to, he did mention it would also be appropriate for a birching..yep i can go with that as long as its not just one birch rod as a bunch its enjoyable but singular...bloody hell they hurt. OOh stinging nettles (are they around now?)..i dont know..he will *note to myself to ask him* as i would like to try them they can be very tormenting which fits in with my obsession about being tortured.

The trouble is when discussing these things with Master he always has to go that step further to make things worse ie. so its not so much pleasureable for me and i do tend to say what im not so keen on trying..so in a roundabout way i feed his sadism. Its like when i said to him about being tortured he then went on to say its about time my cunt had some real pain...um i dont recall mentioning the torture of cunt, just tits so now i admit im a little bit apprehensive about whats going to be done to my poor pussy!

Cunt torture hurts in a nice/not nice way once was a whipping with the tawse (im having serious regrets about purchasing that since) clamps with weights attached..and as soon as they was on i was begging for it too come off!!! i think those heavy weights have to go missing as we have some really nice light ones that would be far more suitable.

I know i get off on being scared and vunerable and even though i may detest it at the time i get a lot of satisfaction when he hurts me more than i like purely just for his pleasure.

pissing

A male friend of mine is laid up in bed poorly with flu..and yes its the real thing not 'man flu' so being the good considerate friend that i am yesterday i made up some casseroles and a roast to take over to him. Whilst there i needed a pee so promptly went to the bathroom, sat down and ffs i sat in piss! Now everyone has their little quirks for some women its the toilet seat being left up (which i can just about tolerate) but piss on the toilet seat really fucking winds me up. I mean i know i havent got a dick but surely its not difficult to aim the damn thing into a toilet and not all over the seat so some poor cow sits in it..not nice..and i let him know this with a tirade of lectures on what a dirty bastard he is.

On walking up the road muttering to myself and also feeling slightly guilty that the poor bastard is ill in bed and there i am laying into him about how to pee correctly especially considering i like being pissed on! but then thinking about it i like using wooden spoons to stir my cake mix etc but i dont like them being hit on my ass so in my mind its completely different.

So this got me to thinking about piss, and i love it when my Master pisses on me im still not sure about drinking it although i do when im told too which tends to be mostly everytime he pisses on me anyway. I dont find it humiliating but then i suppose its all down to the context its done in and when we do watersports its always done in a positive way, although once he made me drink a glass of my own pee as a punishment and i didnt like that one bit..but i wouldnt have liked it regardless of what context it was done in.

Thinking of drinking pee, once a few months back we was out walking back from having dinner out and we got to a secluded field which also has a footpath through it, anyway it was late and dark and i needed a pee as did Master, i went first (and i dont like being watched when im peeing so thankfully it was dark). So there i am on my knees in field drinking his piss..and we were being watched by someone walking a dog! Omg i was mortified and couldnt walk out of the field quick enough, Master found it quite amusing i remember being quite parinoid and hoping that they thought i was just giving him a blowjob...not that this would make my mortification any less.
But after calming down and we was well away from field i could see the funny side and also i must say it was also damn hot..no not the weather, but being there in the open on knees drinking his piss and the thought of being observed for who knows how long that person was standing there well what a turn on. And it was the first time i had managed to drink a fair bit without stopping, i didnt quite manage the whole lot but if i must say so myself i did damn well, and i did say to Master that for some strange reason i found it easier as we was outside rather than when usually its something we do in the bath...i think perhaps possibly its because when in the bath i do prefer to be pissed on rather than pissed in!

to perv not to perv...

Im not perving as much as i used to (by perving i mean looking at bdsm and s/m images online) which for me is unusal as it was a daily thing for me, thats not to say i dont at all, i do just not as frequent. I do still log onto some sites we are on to read topic posts because sometimes they can be quite interesting and informative.

I enjoy bdsm films and im not talking The Story of O or The Secretary (although they were ok) i mean heavy real sessions which are very hard to find online, or anywhere else for that matter, Master has had me watch some my preference is M/f which is harder to to locate than F/m or F/f which pisses me off because men being dominated by women does nothing for me and women dominating women is just bearable.

you know the saying curiosity killed the cat..well im the cat...i know eventually my curiosity will eventually lead me into requesting things ...simply because i want to know what its like. It was like that with needles intially, they were a hard limit (back before i comitted to being his slave and had choices) but i had to know what they was like and once i comit to agreeing to something there is no going back and if i hadnt liked them well tough..luckily i do...just not keen on them going through the nipple.

I still want to get my labia pierced permenantley and must make an effort to get that sorted out as its something i have wanted to do for a while now.

back from beyond

Im a slave, i have an Owner and have no wish to acquire another one thankyou very much, im a masochist and enjoy most forms of bdsm and no matter how much i may protest that i dont like something the dribbling between my legs usually tells a different story.

This blog is purely to record moments not all of them but basically when i feel like it.

At the moment im fixated with being tortured, by this i mean being tormented and helpless to do anything about it and the many various forms this can take. I should point out that i get aroused from what he does to me but dont always enjoy it....yet i enjoy having to endure what i dislike..yeah ok it dont make sense..i cant figure myself out either.

Anyway im not a big fan of nipple abuse but when i think of being tortured thats what appeals, being in bondage and having my nipples/tits tortured....clamped, weighted, needles, whipped, cropped and skewered. Now i know i wont like it in fact im 98% confident that i will end up begging him not to before he has barely started (i guess thats when gags come in handy) but what can i say i get off on not having a choice, i want to be pushed past my comfort zone even if i dont think so at the the time. OOh and not forgetting the orgasms i usually get at the end and sometimes during make it worthwhile and i am lucky that generally he does allow me to cum and to finish things off perfectly a good hard ass fucking...there im not hard to please.